May 23, 2011

Sometimes I find myself crying with growing pains - I feel it in the heart mostly, brain, and it spreads all over my body, reaching to the tip of my fingers. Each part is blinking as if my body were turned into one of those miniature skeletons in the museum. My heart beats 87times per minute. I refused to take a sip or water, and nibbled on a slice of apple which I decided to flush down instead. I hope I am alive.
I think I am awake and will probably live for a long while, alone.
Vitality? I like to gain energy from other people. I would go to this coffee shop in the hood and make friends for knitting or playing Nintendo. My veins are burgeoning dopamine when I interact with people. Perhaps I am one of those called the extravert. I am struggling alone for several months now that I got a new hobby ever since - thinking -or maybe I am wrong, it is not a "new thing." I have written about my thinking habit in the past. My recent thinking is a bit different from that I am used to already. It is more serious and deep, a lot of reflection of my own shame. I would recall those past events that are not so pleasant -something that I need courage to pull out. I start to understand his ideas about our relationship now. How lazy is that? I now admit that I have depended on him heavily. What have I done, really? It is a permanent mess. I wish human had super power to fix things, past and past perfect. Lacking the power, I find myself repeating the list of things to do of which I have used with my clients, instead. Maybe I do need some time alone. I will listen to my heart, my brain and embrace the pains. I want no more of the superficial energy in my body. My eyes are too tired from the traffic lights. How about emotions then, are they substantial?

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