Sometimes I find myself crying with growing pains - I feel it in the heart mostly, brain, and it spreads all over my body, reaching to the tip of my fingers. Each part is blinking as if my body were turned into one of those miniature skeletons in the museum. My heart beats 87times per minute. I refused to take a sip or water, and nibbled on a slice of apple which I decided to flush down instead. I hope I am alive.

I think I am awake and will probably live for a long while, alone.

Vitality? I like to gain energy from other people. I would go to this coffee shop in the hood and make friends for knitting or playing Nintendo. My veins are burgeoning dopamine when I interact with people. Perhaps I am one of those called the extravert. I am struggling alone for several months now that I got a new hobby ever since - thinking -or maybe I am wrong, it is not a "new thing." I have written about my thinking habit in the past. My recent thinking is a bit different from that I am used to already. It is more serious and deep, a lot of reflection of my own shame. I would recall those past events that are not so pleasant -something that I need courage to pull out. I start to understand his ideas about our relationship now. How lazy is that? I now admit that I have depended on him heavily. What have I done, really? It is a permanent mess. I wish human had super power to fix things, past and past perfect. Lacking the power, I find myself repeating the list of things to do of which I have used with my clients, instead. Maybe I do need some time alone. I will listen to my heart, my brain and embrace the pains. I want no more of the superficial energy in my body. My eyes are too tired from the traffic lights. How about emotions then, are they substantial?

My nephew left this morning. Shilla is all by herself.

I want to go home.

What if Shilla gets attacked?

I think I'm going to bury Shilla when I get home.

I think Shilla will be fine as long as you are fine.

Can I trust you?

Will you?

I trust Yoona.

I trust you, too, S. It's our deal.

One month since I started my new job.

I have been loving it despite the overload of work that I need my eyes on 24/7 - This is the part that I enjoy indeed.

It is nice to be respected and expected to manage different tasks. For the past four days, I was given a whole case to update Treatment Plan - sort of Mental Health Assessment which takes an intense process via interview, home visit, clinical meetings - for a client. Upon its completion I immediately turned it in to my boss. Man, that was a great relief + energy burnout. I am so done for the week!

When I was going through an extreme emotional state, I risked a terrible argument with the person whom I cared so much - TERRIBLE. It was like a mental breakdown. I learned a lesson: I need to be prepared for the stress that I expect. It turns out, I am the perfect therapist.

I told my friend about what happened, he sent me this link as a remedy. Watch it. It is so true.

Usually, when I present myself as an art therapist, people judge my work in a non-serious, super-chill, hippie kind of job. It is easy to think all we do is to make art, or to help people practice their fine motor skills. True, we help people to use their fingers, but we also consider a lot more things to help them: We develop plans for treatment, case management, lead groups, consult, etc. It's like a job responsible for social work, counseling, and rehab - sometimes through a creative process; other times it's just the clinical process with lots of papers.

Believe it or not, I enjoy it much more in this way. I feel fueled up from collaborating with other professionals for multi-intervention. It's almost similar to producing a movie with a bunch of different people

Awesome friend of mine made music for this turtle.
Good job dancing turtle

I used to have intense obsession for turtle. My seven-year-old sister had bought me two turtles for my birthday with her little allowance.
I called each of them the coolest names: Choi(meaning, dark green) and Yoni(light green)
A couple of months later Choi was killed by Yoni. I was so shocked that I had to throw Choi away in the garbage can when I saw him floating in the water.
I still feel guilty not having buried him in the safe place.
Now I try really hard to convince myself not to have pets anymore.(though my favorite thing on the planet is animals) It's a serious commitment.

My friend Scott is a bit aggressive towards the people with pets. He thinks people spend so much attention &money on their pets as selfish (Scott lived in El Salvador for three years, serious empathy for people with poverty who "needs" money for basic living).
I used to disagree with him, but start to understand how he feels it for the selfish human as pet owners.

Sometimes we forget how nice it is to love in a rather passive way. Oh, and it always works

tortue from Pheasant Plucker on Vimeo.

I would like to share a few of my obsessions

• Watches. Oh I love watches with big frames! Last summer, I found a bag of broken watches at a thrift store. A friend and I sat down and disassembled them. Imagine how those micro pieces work together to make the watch work. Amazing.
• I like looking at bodies, yes. I find plain body images - non-typical feminine/masculine look - very attractive.
• Fireman's masks. and/or ultraman's mask!

2010

WOW. It has been so long since I posted a photo of Chris Kelly's head in Aug, 2009! It is the new year.

I have tried to build myself a website and move on from the blog. However, that did not work; does not seem to happen any soon, either. To be focusing on Now and Then (Carl Rogers), I decided to use my blog to share my art and soul.


I have recently joined an online group for figure drawing, but have not participated yet. I feel a little anxious about online meetings, especially w/a naked human involved. Though.. I have been craving so much for it.

Only a few reasons why I love it so much:
Muscles fascinate me. I can follow along the veins, bones, hair.......... ohh never ends.
I feel that the nature of human's body the most beautiful thing to look at - different shapes, movements, sizes, etc.

So I pulled out some of the drawings from three years ago. I was young and fresh, hard working artist then.

PS.Before you look at each drawing, scroll down to play the youtube then come back up. Then imagine this model dancing to the Gotan Project

phew ?

sometimes you feel like

you are finally there,

but you are there again.

Check out my new favorite website: www.whoi.edu
I spent 500 hrs looking at these fantastic photos of jellyfish
These guys reside 2500m deep in the sea

artful walk

Jack is an 8-year-old Latino boy. I have been working with this bright, sensitive boy through individual art therapy, since last December.
I have sensed that the men are expected to be strong and independent (macho) in Latino culture. I've always wondered if that is the reason why Jack does not express his emotions (especially if they are negative), yet only smiles. So I have been supporting Jack by understanding his feelings and encouraging him to express the feelings appropriately.
Jack has been holding back his feelings of hurt and sad after his parents' separation. Also, he has been trying to tell himself that it is okay...for his biological dad to forget about their weekend plan. To help Jack to realize and to understand his own feelings better, I started meditation with him for the check in every session. While feeling "weird" about the new experience, Jack started releasing his feelings that he has been holding on all this time. He learned to get his tears out when he needs to, as well as expressing that he misses his dad.

The images above are the photos Jack took while we were taking a walk after our session last Friday.

I like to give the least control to children. Yet, I agree that appropriate controls can be helpful for the children's growth, especially for the socialization.
Therefore, I like to give chilren the freedom explore, and give them one (or two, depending on their development) concrete rule that they may understand, at the same time.
(Compromise is effective at all times!)
For instance, I respect Jack's desire of taking photos on his own, yet negotiate with one rule that I have for him. (The key point here is: to be concrete with the rule that you are proposing, and to clearly convey the reason why they need the rule.)
"This camera is really important to me because my dad gave it to me as a gift. You are welcome to use it now, and there is one thing I want you to keep in mind while using it. Try to keep the strap around your wrist, so you won't drop my camera. Do you think you can do it?" Just like adults, children appreciate trust and affirmation. (esp. important note in working with children)
As soon as holding the camera in his hand, S starts pusing the shutter button towards whatever is catching his eyes. Cracked cement on the sidewalk, the ladybug on the leaf, the church across the crosswalk, broken glass on the street.........

I can still remember his smile that lasted throughout the beautiful afternoon.

I am officially an artist

I have been feeling like an artist lately (actually, I will be selling some of my drawings this weekend)
I had never imagined of creating art on my own and presenting them to others before I stepped into the art therapy world. Because of this reason, I have been feeling nervous and anxious about the whole idea of calling myself an artist and considering my work professional.

My photo has been chosen for a show sponsored by Nippon Steel last fall - Thanks to my friend who took me to the countryside and almost got me arrested in the farm. The art will be up next month. I had mixed feelings of confusion and excitement when I first heard from them: somehow positive. definitely a good feeling to learn that there are other people who are happy about my work that I am happy about.

I went to the private reception today. I felt honored to have a luxurious luncheon at a five-star hotel with all the other great artists, the Japanese executives, and the school staff. I met some student artists whose names were familiar to me (famous for good art, good looking). Other than the fact that I had to rush on purchasing the appropriate, "business attire" and deal with the relevant issue of dropping a shoe into a toilet; it was a pleasant experience to present myself as an artist in a nice suit. I realized my art was having me represented as another self to the audience. The audience appreciated my existance as well as my that was projected on the screen. So my art has been sort of like a transitional object, I would say. Oh! I cannot get the psychology out of my mind.

I thought this was cool - the sticky name tag I had to attach to my brand new fancy jacket. It's as ridiculous as a teenager saving the first RatedR movie ticket in her diary

Self-care List(s)

I cannot stand Insomnia. I mean, that rarely happens to me. Deep-sleeping is my favorite way to relax - I do not mind place/time/any other conditions when it's time for bed.

Apparently the anxiety about graduation and job searching has been bugging me so much that it's getting to my favorite part of my life -sleep! I have tried many different things to deal with it: drink milk (which I don't normally do), hot bath and shower, counting 100 to fall asleep ............

This morning I woke up at 3:30a.m. and said,"This is insane." Then I wrote one page for my thesis.
I try brainstorming for some self-care.
oh, considering my the financial situation..

• Walking break
• Bath with music and candle light (yis, cheesy, it's good)
• Friends with trust
• Drawing
• Playing with puppies in the pet store on my way home

if money

• Flowers
• Art Therapy ($45 w/insurance, $90 w/o)
• Good food (like fresh Sashimi)
• Yoga class
• Shopping

I made this drawing on a sleepless night last week. I always wanted to draw myself more colorful than just everything black(my hair,eyes,eyebrows all black). Though I used to make fun of my sister's red hair in her drawing...top secret that my sister will never find out: I colored my eyes in purple !

Kae Dal Um means Recognition

Sleeping Women with Standing Wolf

Lithograph by Kiki Smith

Women who study psychology are not so popular in the country where I come from. Actually, men try to avoid the women coming from the psychology background.

They claim that....

a. Women with higher degree are too tiring because they will try to argue against the men, and it's annoying. The men refer these women to "girls with many bags(more like backpacks)." Unfortunately, psychology requires a Master's degree most of the case - at least.

b. Psychology people are known to have a lot issues on their own, and they are extraordinary.

c. They are just complicated.

Even though I feel defensive against these judgemental ideas, I admit the fact that I am somehow a complicated person. I enjoy exploring my own thoughts and feelings, which attracted me to this particular study. Sometimes, it is scary to think my personal issues affecting and relating directly back to my profession, which could happen possibly. I try to be sensitive and to be aware of myself before I relate to other people.

Sometimes I think that I mature by understanding myself as a professional - then I compromise.

(The image I attached to this blog does not necessarily relate to this topic)

resonse piece for the Lulu Bird

I had this image saved in my computer, ever since I got it from my sister.

So... I have been talking to many friends from my high school. Since we were "stuck" together for 24 hrs every day for 3 years (it was a boarding school), we had eventually become sisters and brothers. These relationships became even more interesting when we went to all different colleges, and started going towards different goals from each other. We were so bounded for such a long time, that we felt strange to see each other in different places, when it happened for the first time. I felt so excited every time I hung out with them and heard about what they have been studying in school, which was reeeeeeeeally different from what I was doing for my major!

I got a brief message from my bestfriend this morning. I felt my muscles around my mouth pulled together for a smile, as our little movie played inside my brain that moment. Oh, we shared every thought, wrote poems, draw, and talk philosophy together when we were in high school. He seemed to be in a totally different place now, just like I am in another different place from where he I used to be. It is such a nice feeling in life, when I hear from my precious friends once in a while like this.

It's like a hint of lime in Gin and Tonic. (my current life as the bitter gin)

Gonan means Struggle

This is a video I made last fall. It reflects some of the struggles I have experienced regarding my cultural identity.(probably on-going)

One of my good teacher's advice: "We all hope to be understood", meaning no one will be understood if we don't compromise.

I am sensitive to my feelings, and I express them very frankly. I know when I get scared, fearful, or nervous. I know when I feel stuck. I cry like it's the end of the world when I feel hurt. I freak out. I can be really loud about my feelings. And I may start thinking and feeling as if I am going to pass out, just like when Goldfish jump out of the fishball and soon it passes out. However, I am like a weirdo Goldfish jumping back into the fishball. Luckily I have special power that I can get myself up after falling down. Sometimes it happens the next morning, other times, takes longer. But I know I will get going again.

by the way, I think this is genetic.

Check Means Book

Once upon a time the little Papachilalala was a well-known book worm.
Parents still reminds me that every night,I had my favorite books all around my bed and a Care Bear in my arm to fall asleep.(I had access to these hip American toys through my aunt who lived in CT)

Twenty years later, whenever I go into the classrooms to observe my clients, the kids would pull out their favorite books and wait in a line next to where I am sitting. They seem to love it when adults read books to them. So is it the book that they love, or the story teller? Either way, I start my art therapy session with story telling. We compromise on books each week, since there are more than one book requested.

I hop in my time machine back to twenty years ago. I think I felt mostly excited about the pictures in the books - I favored books by the illustration. I remembered loving the follwing type of images ....

Likely to be seen in a real life, but definitely a fantasy. I felt happy finding real objects in the pictures that do not look so realistic. For example, endless blankets piled up all the way to the ceiling, or taking a bath in the shoe shaped bath tub. I enjoyed such detailed images and staring at them forever. I would find new things everytime I open the book, even though it happened everyday. Obviously those books became "my favorite."

I also liked fairies in the stories. Not the whole story about faries though. I liked it when unexpected fairies randomly popped up!

The above images are from the books I used to own, but similar - I've saved these images from the web for references. Some of you might wonder about Korean children's books. When I was little, there were only a few children's books written by Korean authors (traditional folk tales), though I find a lot more these days. I was also interested in those book, yet I did not enjoy so much because of the images not so interesting to me.

My kids at my internship seem to love stories about animals. These two 2-yr-old boys I meet every Wednesday giggle the whole time while I flip every page of this book about an animal farm. I worry about them falling from the endless giggles. Each page in this book has an image that is packed with TONS of animals (killer crowd). They love to point and name the animals they already know (which doesn't take too long compared to the insane images). I do this counting every session as the opening/closing ritual.
Books are awesome!

Cherry Blossom, Magnolia

March is a festive month in my country. The school year starts in March, weather gets much warmer, and the Cherry Blossom!! Cherry Blossom is orginally from Japan. However, there are many of these trees all over the peninsula since the colonial time (19c). Japanese people were pretty smart about controlling Korea by planting their awesome looking national flower everywhere so I get to enjoy! (hm, I might get in trouble for saying this in Korea)
There are festivals in different cities to celebrate its blooming. The festivals only last for 1-2 weeks because that's how long the flowers last...

I remember the time when I worked at a hospital last year. In one of the outpatient groups I was leading, a couple of patients started sharing their stories about the flowers they would find on their way to the hospital every morning. They were so facinated by the flowers because they thought that the flowers were bringing them the new spring season. Their documentation on the blooming process of Magnolia was our check-in. I learned that Magnolia is the one that's big Chicago, not Cherry Blossom

Clearly, I miss the beautiful Cherry Blossom in my country. I like when they glow in dark (really do!) Also, when the wind (more like breeze) blows, the petals fall off the branches and fly in the air............ like the romantic type of snow !

Injong Means Race

I think I feel overwhelmed about writing so much sensitive topics in a foreign language. I used to write essays, and wanted to become a poet at one point in my life. Yet, this inspiration is difficult to maintain when writing in English. I think I am homesick again. I have been independent since I was 16. I went to a high school where such independence was required, and then went to a college in a different city. Although I am familiar with this feeling, I do not remember feeling homesick more than once throughout those high school years. In the past, I was always resilient enough to overcome the inevitable feeling of homesickness. I knew that it would soon pass. However, I realized that as the distance from my original support system increased, my sickness became more intense. The old saying "Out of sight, out of mind" no longer makes sense to me. My experience corrects it, "Out of sight, tears in mind." Though, I never cry out loud due to homesickness.

I discovered that "overseas" homesickness tends to reoccur. Sometimes I feel extremely lonely and isolated from people in the foreign county; and other times, I feel fine. This cycle happens regularly and the homesickness would come “on” every once in a while. The status of "on" can last longer than the "off," depending on what is contributing to the feelings. On the other hand, I feel "off" and less/no longer homesick when I become aware of the cycle, and get supports from others. I wonder if knowing that I cannot visit home whenever I want to creates a claustrophobic feeling, heightening my sensitivity. However, as I develop a positive connection to my new location, the homesickness lessens. By monitoring this cycle I can recognize the times when my stress has pushed me to be more sensitive to racial considerations.

I have been pondering my identity as an East-Asian girl in America. I often come across multicultural studies that address the relationships of black people and white people, but not yellow people, or people of color. At the same time, the stereotypes about Asian females being cute, little, naive, smiling, laughing a lot, and always positive have been projected onto me during my educational career. While these traits may sound positive, any stereotype can work against you. Sometimes I don't feel that I am being heard or taken seriously because of these stereotypical images that most people have about Asian females. It frustrates me because I feel no value as an individual in the group.
To be treated this way strikes me as prejudice, yet the issue still seems strange to me. I think that there is a difference between the behaviors that are valued in my culture and my own personality. I was raised in Korea to be polite to others by listening more than advocating for oneself. I wonder if my struggles to communicate in the United States and my feeling of being neglected in class are connected to the stereotypes regarding the personality of Asians. It is especially frustrating to reflect on this situation when I realize that I have entered a helping profession. My classmates and I are learning how to help others express themselves, yet I often feel that my identity in the United States is determined for me by others. If I appear to have a positive attitude that is because I value the effort it takes to maintain a positive attitude throughout the ups and downs. Another person may think that I am simple and therefore always cheerful, but that assumption does not recognize my efforts to manage the struggles in my life.

I have reached to the conclusion that the projections placed upon me as naive, never serious, and eternally happy, have been detrimental to my professional identity. Someone once said to me, "You are always happy and nice to everyone.” I know this was meant as a compliment has been experienced by me as an insult. Cultural stereotypes dominated my professional identity somehow. I hope that as professionals, especially in the helping professions, we can avoid using stereotypes when we try to understand other cultures.

The reason I appear to be a happy person is because I try to be, and that is regardless of my cultural background.

Sot Got

I have been overwhelmed looking for a job. It requires so many things - the realistic matters - to consider.

I am surprised to see myself intimidated by the children that I work with - it is probably because my first time to work with the little ones in art therapy? Although I have had much more experiences with children than adults, I feel more effective for adults when it comes to art somehow.

The image above illustrates my struggles when working with the children's groups at my internship. There has been a time my clients challenged me recently. I can never expect what might happen before it happens.

The triangle-shaped hat in the collage above is called a "Sot Got" in Korea. They are made of bamboo leaves or reed. Sot Got comes from the Korean dynasty, Cho Sun. People used to wear Sot Got just like shades - those who spent a lot of time or work in the sun, such as, farmers and others wore them to protect their faces from the intense sunlight. Also, people wore them to hide their identities, using the shape of the hat - huge triangle that covers the eyes from the outside. This fuction ended up as the trademark of the hat. In the movies or books, people in Sot Got are shown as the suspicious, mysterious characters.

I imagined the children sitting under this mysterious hat. I feel that children are unpredictable a lot of times, just like it's never easy to see the person's face under Sot Got.
This collage makes me laugh though, as it reminds of the kids that I work with. Although it is tricky to predict where their intentions are; I can still see their playful, silly smiles that are under their Sot Got.

iathinkn

I think a lot. I have had some trauma related to this fact: people thought I were upset because I was pondering so hard, quiet; I may frustrate people as I express slower because of my intense internal process.

Thought process is a way of self communication. Just like meditation, it helps to internalize and/or to pay attention to the self. I remember when I first learned to think deeply about an object. High school boyfriend got me into the obsession of philosophy, and we ended up creating the secret new word iathinkn a-k-a I am thinking.

These are some of the thoughts while taking this photo in my sink.

• Speed amazes me. I am surprised by the speed of light, speed of sound, and speed of water! Water seems to be the loosest, and I can control the speed with the knob. But I can never catch the running water!
• I like touching things. I haven't thought of "why."
  - Maybe I am fascinated by tactile sense,
  - maybe I enjoy the non-verbal communication,
  - or maybe I feel the most connected.
• I love water.
  - I like touching water when it is running. I like the tickling feeling on my fingers when it's running through them. Sometimes it frustrates me because it only keeps running and I can't catch or stop it. It's like something you want to possess, but you can't really.
  - I feel the water. I feel warm and relaxed. It slows down my heartbeat. It's also interesting because I feel free, yet somehow contained under the water. Maybe my feeling of contained is because my brain is telling me I am still in the tub, not in the middle of pacific ocean.
  - I like washing dishes. It is a good excuse to play in the water. I get bubbles, too! Sometimes rinsing off the food from the dishes feels clearing my leftover thoughts.
  

misool means fine art

I am usually attracted to things that are not so obvious:
unpredictible, dual/multiple functioning, mixed messages

I want to share some of the pieces I enjoy.
I enjoy these two prints because they are not typical Asian art, although you could still guess where they are coming from.

Parrot on Flowering Branch,Tsuruoka Kakunen, 1940

Parrots rarely appear in Asian art, so it was tricky for me to identify just with a glance. Then, I find some oriental components, such as flower and the signature.

Evening at Dotonbori, Osaka, Uehara Konen, 1928

This piece confuses me(my favorite type of art=confusing art) with two different styles: traditional folk style and animation. The colors and the image don't match either way.
At the same time, the image itself is not clear. It may look rainy, but could be skinny branches in the fog.

Shanghai Cafe Dancers, Yamamura Toyonari, 1924

Oh my gosh! Asian Toulouse Lautrec!! ........

of couse, my affection towards Henri de Toulouse Lautrec never changes

Also, I enjoy following styles of drawings/collages.
Cuban artist, Carlos Estevez (click, and I take you there!)

Los sueños y el inconciente colectivo, Carlos Estevez, 2003
Watercolor and pencil on paper

Mecánica natural. Carlos Estevez, 1997
Watercolor and pencil on paper

La dama de los peces, Carlos Estevez, 2005
Collage on paper